I am not a Human Being.
Not in the bad ass figurative sense that lil Wayne, Kanye and Cudi talk about not being a human being, no. I am referring to the fact that I haven’t done anything of significance in my entire life; yeah, I graduated high school, and went to college, and got my license (in that order actually) and more shit like that, but I haven’t done anything that truly speaks to being an adult, and more importantly, a real human being. If you look at what it means to be a human from an anthropological stance, I have failed completely. For example, if this weren’t America and I were living in a tribe in Africa, I would not be considered a real person. What I mean by this is I have never earned my own meal, I have worked and had money, sure, but it’s not quite the same. I have also never really needed to struggle to stay alive, I am fortunate for this, but I feel like I am missing out on a key aspect of the human condition. And most importantly, I don’t have a child. Not that I want a child, because I really fucking don’t right now - at some point, yeah, of course, but not right now. But that is not to say that I shouldn’t have one. In our primate DNA, we should have manned up to the responsibility of having a kid at 16 years old; a couple years after hormones have been in full swing, and women are fertile and et cetera, et cetera, circle of life shit. What I’m trying to stress is that having a child is natural to the process of growing up and becoming an adult, and again, a real human being. But in this society (and I hate that word: society), but in this society; suburban America, being a parent shouldn’t happen until much later in life. So essentially we are all fighting our encoded human nature. We are running around being selfish shitheads, and not really having a purpose in life and throwing away critical years of human development because we’re not “ready” for kids, in this “society.” There is a lapse in time from when our genetics call for a real purpose in life; when they call for us truly needing to support another human being and when it is a practical time to have a child in a culture like ours. Our culture doesn’t work in the same frame of time as our genetics would prefer (is I guess the point I’m stressing). It’s so selfish to get depressed for no reason, and to complain about insignificant bullshit, but the truth is, I can’t help myself. I can acknowledge how stupid my emotions are, but ultimately I’m still a slave to them. I just listened to an interview with Louis CK where he talks about what a selfish asshole shithead he was his entire life, up until literally the second his daughter was born. I have never lived for anyone but myself (and that’s human nature in some sense too), but that inherent selfishness humans adopt is evelutionarily designed to fade out once you have a child (which, if puberty dictates anything, should happen while you’re a teenager). Another human being that came from you, that you love instictually, that you are fully responsible for In every manner: food, shelter, attention love, it’s the only way to make a man reconsider the way he lives his life (besides cancer or a near death experience, or other unfortunate shit that doesn’t happen to everyone). Providing maslows hierarchy for my child should have been something I learned a long time ago. But I didn’t, becuase I was responsible and I never knocked a girl up, and I never dropped away from the socitial norm from sheer necessity; and now, I feel like I’m less of a decent human being because of that. I know I’m a bad person in many ways, I really do know this; but there is nothing in my life to motivate me enough to do anything about it. I mean I certainly don’t want a child. And furthermore, I don’t know whats its like to have a child, or exactly how it will change me, But i know that living life the way I am now is selfish and narcessistic and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change myself. I’ve aknowlegded this about myself, sure, that’s a step in the right direction I suppose, but I couldn’t even change even if I tried. And without a reason to try, I don’t care enough to anything but publicly and drunkenly rant on a narcissistic blog.
p.s. Blogs are inherently narcissistic.
p.p.s. I still don’t want a kid.
